A Leavened Life

I really hate the Atkins diet. In all honesty, I dislike all diets that rely on a gimmick. To me, there’s just something terribly myopic about cutting entire swathes of food out of your life because you blame them for your own fatness. Of course, when your health has got so bad that the cabbage soup diet represents a choice between life and death, you might be forced to comply, but in the general case I much prefer moderation to abstention. The Atkins Diet, however, is one of my particular enemies. I don’t have any problem with eating lots of meat – I do it myself, occasionally. But how far have we sunk that the supposed path to health is to cut out breads, pastas, grains and rice, and honeys and sugars from our lives? These are not just good foods – they’re the universal foods. They are the foods upon which human society has been painstakingly built for thousands of years, which are eaten in every part of the world, which represent, to my mind, the very foundations of civilization. Bread especially is how we know we’re civilized, I think – as others have noted, there’s just something special about the very idea of mixing some wheat with water and getting bread.

Having said all that, I think it’s all our duty to fight the Atkins craze until it’s gone the way of all the other crazes of times past. One way to do this is to really understand the astonishing versatility of a loaf. Many people just see bread as something you use in a sandwich, or, sometimes even more depressingly, as merely a way to convey meat and cheese to their mouths (Subway corporation, I’m looking at you!). But a good loaf – a loaf made with real yeast, and good flour, and a little salt, and clean water and nothing else, is something special in of itself. It has a lifespan. It changes over the days. And its uses change too.

So next time you get your hands on a decent loaf of bread (and they’re getting easier and easier to get hold of these days), don’t worry about it slowly going stale. There are uses for it still. On the first day, when it’s still fresh and soft, use it for whatever you want. Recently, I’ve been on a kick of roast chicken sandwiches, though, and made properly, I’m not sure there is a lot that’s better. Usually, after roasting the chicken, of course, I make some mayonnaise by slowly drizzling a mixture of olive and vegetable oil into a beaten egg, whisking all the while with a little salt. It take a lot of oil, but the taste is definitely worth it, especially if you’ve been wise and purchased a fresh ( as possible) free range egg. Then I’ll layer the chicken between two enthusiastic slices of bread (and any kind of good bread will do here, whether it’s a crusty French pain de compagne or an American loaf), slather on giant helpings of the homemade mayonnaise, and top with a sliced tomato and small cornichon pickles. A couple of sandwiches later, there’s often not enough bread for the rest of the week.

If there’s any left, though, the inevitable next step is a Welsh rarebit. By the second day, the bread is drying out a bit. It’s not as fresh, and won’t make as good a sandwich. That’s why it needs some help, and the Welsh version of grilled cheese provides plenty. Unfortunately, there are thousands of recipes for rarebit. Most involve making a roux thickened cheese sauce, with beer, locally made cheddar cheese, butter, milk, and hot English mustard, all of which gets piled on the bread and grilled till charred and sizzling. If you’ve not got the time to mess about with rouxs and sauces, though, I’ve found that just mixing the ingredients, with our without the milk, and pouring over the bread before grilling provides almost as good an experience, and many times faster. Sure, the beer might make the bread too soggy, but I’ve found that some moderation with the beer solves that problem neatly.

If it was a particularly big loaf, you’ll have reached the third day. But now, surely there’s no use for the bread, right? It’s dry. Inedible, surely even too stale for rarebit, and thus for life? Nope. Today is when you whip out your milk, cinnamon, eggs, and maple syrup for some French toast, like I had this morning. Again, there are a lot of recipes for French toast, or what the French (minus the maple syrup), call “lost bread” (pain perdu), but I tend towards the simple by combining the milk and egg, dipping the bread in the mixture, frying it in a good bit of oil or butter, followed by a generous slathering with sugar, spices, and syrup. Sure, there’s all sorts of complications you can go through, but in my life French toast is the quick and easy substitute for pancakes, so I hardly want to muck around with ingredients longer than I have to.

By day four, however, we really are getting desperate. I’m not even sure French toast can revive the bread now. Thankfully, though, God invented breadcrumbs and fish. Just whiz some of the bread in a food processor until it becomes a pile of course crumbs. Tip the bread into a bowl, add freshly grated parmesan, a little cheddar, and a tablespoon of oil. If you’re feeling slightly adventuresome, add a few flakes of red chili. Make sure all the crumbs are damp with the oil, and then spread over the flesh side of a fish filet (I would recommend a thinner kind of white fish, like flounder) before tossing in a warmed oven for about ten minutes, or until the crumbs are golden and crispy. Serve with potatoes of some kind – I like to cut a baking potato into thirds and just roast it in about a tablespoon of oil for an hour, in an desperate and increasingly successful effort to get something close to a French fry without all the accompanying fat.

Finally, you’ve probably got just a little nub of bread left. It’s hard and unappetizing. Even the dog might look at it with considerable suspicion. But it’s still bread. If it was honestly made, it’s still healthy and filling. But what can be done with it? Of course, some might recommend a bread and butter pudding. It certainly would work, but I find that you need to layer on a little too much butter and cream to make it really tasty. No, I’ve recently discovered a simple, fitting end to a loaf of bread, drawn inevitably from the countryside of France. The answer is soup; any soup, in fact. Obviously, the most famous is the French onion, made in my book by frying loads of onions in butter slowly for an hour until caramelized, then tipping into a casserole with filled halfway with water. This then simmers for half an hour before being baked for twice as long in a pan layered with very stale bread, gruyere cheese, and the onion soup mixture. But you can also make something much simpler, which takes about five minutes: just boil a little water, throw in chopped spinach, cook for two minutes until the spinach is well wilted, and pour over a large bowl lined with the bread and garlic. Not only is it healthy, but you’ll be reaching back into the very depths of the 19th century for your meal, and for a solution to your bread’s final day.

This clearly is not the only progression possible for bread. Even in this short essay, I’ve noted alternatives, diverging little paths on the road to taste. The point remains, despite these different roads. Don’t give up on bread because a diet book says so. Don’t give up on bread because it looks to have gone stale. And definitely don’t give up on bread if you’ve spent the extra fifty cents and gotten good honorable bread. Bread, to mock the prison bound Ms. Stewart, is a good thing, and it shouldn’t be jettisoned for the sake of a week’s worth of weight loss.